The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As my friend puts it I'm a bit of a Debbie Downer...I know I know, no one wants to be around a person like that. I can't help the way that I feel....I am definitely NOT in the holiday spirit.

I also recently found out that 3 of my small cousins died in a fire...I am really trying hold it together....but I feel myself losing what little faith I have left....why are good people dying? why are good people suffering...upon everything that has happened in the last two years, what else would you have happen? Its just not fair maybe a mustard seed isn't enough.

mood: apathetic

Its the most wonderful time of the year
but I don't feel very festive
the smell of winter
fires burning
chestnuts roasitng on an open fire
dim lighting
red and green marks the time
but this holiday season
I am not full of joy
or full of hope
monotony consumes me
There is nothing merry
I am just trying to make it to the next day
I have lost all hope
and my faith is weyning
I push myself further and further away
from the beliefs that kept me grounded
and those that I held dear
because I am questioning an exsistence
of a being that has abandoned us
or is it a trickster making me question what has always been
i'm not sure
but I know that my mustard seed has been stolen
and I have no faith in no man
in the physical or in the supernatural
its the most wonderful time of the year
but I don't feel it
nothing in this past year has gone right
so I question the decisions
sure that I am destined to miss
miss every good thing that happens to everyone else
because of who I am, are these the cards that I have been dealt?
I lay them down, not wanting to pick them up
because if this is what my future holds
I might as well give up
because its dark and there is no light at the end of the tunnel
no promise of tomorrow and not hope of lifted sorrow
but its the most wonderful time of the year.