The Fight of My Life

I'm still fighting. Maybe I didn't know it all, Maybe I wasn't strong enough, but I am a new creature in him. Thus begins the journey of the restoration of faith.

Ok so no one really knows it but maybe one or so people, but I have been really struggling with this faith thing. God and I have not seen eye to eye or heart to heart and for that matter we have been going at it with spiritual (or rather lack there of) fist of fury. I am human, I get upset, and when things don’t go the way that I think that they should I react accordingly. I have become a sort of spiritual recluse. And the image that you see to the left speaks volumes about my situation...I am literally in the fight of my life.

As of late I have been going through quite a bit, I really don’t expect anyone to understand, 1. because I haven’t really shared my issues, and 2. I’m not going to share my issues, so they have become the burden that I now currently have no choice but the bear. For a good while I have been questioning my faith, I guess I was in my pseudo garden of eden and I did it, I took the bite of the forbidden fruit and it has been down hill ever since. Nothing has gone right, and the only right that has happened has gone wrong, and so I am standing in the middle of the storm, not knowing if I am going to make it. I’m at war.

Yes I am sure that things could be worse, but I can’t put someone else’s misery or misfortune and gage it with my own, because it won’t measure up, because it can’t. We are different and we go through and deal with things differently. Bottom line, I felt like the man upstairs was punishing me. I don’t know what I did so wrong, I just know that its not fair, but what in the world is?

I tried to get away from the faith that I have held for so long why? Because I didn’t think that I believed in it anymore, because I don’t think that it believed in me. People have asked me to go to this church or that church, I have no interest. Friends quote scripture, but I find no solace in it and actually try to change the subject. But no matter where I went it just kept following me. Or rather HE keeps following me. And that was upsetting me. I just wanted to be left alone but it wouldn’t let up. From the radio, random conversation, to me just slipping (if you will), calling on the name of the Lord; it…correction He has surrounded me.

But in my attempt to escape the eyes of the Lord, he keeps pressing me. My coworker was feeling down about somethings and I of ALL people ended up being the person to minister to her, when I couldn't even minister to myself. How odd is that. Then at the office Christmas party, my boss asked if I would pray. All I could think is "Are you serious?"

I suppose there is some truth to the idea that God always surrounds us, and up until this week I don't think believed that. Sometimes I don't know what I believe. But I do know that he has to exist and he has a sick sense of humor. So I guess instead of asking why, ask him what more do you have for me today. The Devil is a liar and he has been preying on my weak spirit, and I am guilty because I have allowed it. We are the only one's that give power to such evil.

So, now I am fighting back, I know its not going to be easy, but it sure couldn't get any worse. My dukes are up, and I'm knockin' em out like Ali....so bring it.....