New Year's Quickly Approaching

Ok so its like 2 am almost 3 in the morning and yes I am up (tragic). I'm stressed, stressed to the point of exhaustion, which is not good because I have so much to do. I think I am attempting to put myself in an early grave. I just want everything to go well. Pray for me.

A New Year = A New Me

A Friend of mine posted this quote:

“This is a time for reflection as well as celebration. As you look back on the past year and all that had taken place on your life, remember each experience for the good that has come of it and for the knowledge you have gained. Remember the efforts you have made and the goals you have reached. Remember the love you have shared and the happiness you have brought. Remember the laughter the joy, the hard work, and the tears. And as you reflect on the past year, also be thinking of the new to come. Because most importantly, this is a time of new beginnings and the celebration of life.”

~Taylor Addison 1989

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We make resolutions every year and every year we break them around week two (or maybe this is just me..lol). This year has been a very difficult for me; death after death, calamity after calamity. My faith wavered and still teeters from time to time, but I always come back, re-center myself and try to start with a fresh outlook. The outlook for the past year has been fresh, but not always bright. I have grown as a person, spiritually and emotionally. I have learned how to deal with certain situations and thus in the same respect learned how not to deal with others. Like many of life’s journeys it has been a year of lessons learned. I’ve fallen and been bruised and still have managed to get back up. I have stepped outside of my box and met new people and have seen people that I have known in a better light. I have learned to be less judgmental and more sympathetic. I have learned not to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I have learned to let go even when it is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have learned not to dwell on things of the past (although from time to time I slipped). I have learned to be slow to anger (what might have been the most difficult task for me). I have learned that I can’t be all things to all people. I by nature am a people pleaser; I like people to be happy even if it is to my own detriment. I have learned that all that I give of myself to others, I deserve that same courtesy back 40 fold and then some. Most of all I have learned to love, even when it hurts, love, even when the person on the receiving end refuses it, love. Love God, love myself, love my family, love my friends, and love those that wish me harm. It has been a looooong year. And I can’t say that I am sad to see it go, because I am not. I didn’t go to the mountain top this year, but I stood on a small hill, planting my mustard seed of faith, even when the enemy sought to steal my joy. I’m still living, breathing, and loving and that is a blessing from the most high God. So as I walk forward not looking back I pray that all that has happened has not been in vain. I am claiming victory for 2008, because I serve a God that never fails me.

To those that I have wronged
For those whose friendship I refused
For those that I was guilty of loving not enough
For those I was guilty of loving too much
It’s a new year and time to start fresh, after all its all about new beginnings…

Happy New Year!!!
May the Lord continue to bless you in your coming and your going

You are Legend, I AM THE PLAGUE

So its the day after Christmas and I am at work. Tired, and trying so very hard not to fall asleep. [[its not working very well]]

We went to an Alpha party last night, it was like old times (the afformentioned statement solidifies the fact that I am getting older and my legs don't hold up like they used too...lol *end disclaimer*) But this old head had a good time, even though it was hot and I felt like I was going to faint. The venue reminded me of a place that I went to one of my first college parties called "Notions"...lol Same sweating floor, but bigger and I didn't have on a pair of soulful pink foam slides (inside joke between me and some of my friends...lets just say tragic).

I'm really glad that the holidays are pretty much over with. As stated before I wasn't really in the holiday spirit. Call me the party pooper.

Other than that things are cool. Although I feel like one by one people are starting to avoid me. I don't know what I did. I don't know if I am so much sad, but rather interested in what the issue is..I suppose time will tell, all people have a reason for what they do and I may not ever understand it, but I have to accept it. I guess thats another way that I have changed.. Usually I would obsess and wonder what had happened or what I possibly could have done. I suppose all you can do is wish them the best.

I have to admit I am slightly worried about the New Year's Eve event. I'm not sure if I have bitten off more than I can chew. I have a pleasing complex that often times causes problems. I try to be all things to all people, and often times that does not work to my benefit. Bottom line I want New Year's to be memorable, and I want people to enjoy themselves....I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed. Things are coming together slowly but surely and I have t-minus 4 days to make sure that things come together in a cohesive manner, lets hope for the best.

Until the next entry...
-Working on being a better me for me in '08-

Signed
Apparently the New and improved human plague....lol

Let's Hear it fot Mini-Reunions

So while at work yesterday I got a text from a friend of mine Tracie from high school saying that she was going to be leaving town soon and that she was going to be out with some other friends somewhere in Village. I thought...what the heck. I called a few of my other friends and we rolled out.

Tracie likes to bar hop, not exactly my "thing" but I do like to be around people (well SOMETIMES). We all me up at this place don't ask me the name, because clearly I don't remember, and we were immediately met with a hint of culture shock. Definitely not my crowd, but everyone seemed like they were having a good time. I envy Tracie. I just love her energy, she never seems to get down and every time I speak to her she is up beat. She can make friends with anyone, people say that about me, but they have yet to meet the force that is T. Jones.

Anyhow meeting up with an old friend was good. She's pretty awesome.

The Fight of My Life

I'm still fighting. Maybe I didn't know it all, Maybe I wasn't strong enough, but I am a new creature in him. Thus begins the journey of the restoration of faith.

Ok so no one really knows it but maybe one or so people, but I have been really struggling with this faith thing. God and I have not seen eye to eye or heart to heart and for that matter we have been going at it with spiritual (or rather lack there of) fist of fury. I am human, I get upset, and when things don’t go the way that I think that they should I react accordingly. I have become a sort of spiritual recluse. And the image that you see to the left speaks volumes about my situation...I am literally in the fight of my life.

As of late I have been going through quite a bit, I really don’t expect anyone to understand, 1. because I haven’t really shared my issues, and 2. I’m not going to share my issues, so they have become the burden that I now currently have no choice but the bear. For a good while I have been questioning my faith, I guess I was in my pseudo garden of eden and I did it, I took the bite of the forbidden fruit and it has been down hill ever since. Nothing has gone right, and the only right that has happened has gone wrong, and so I am standing in the middle of the storm, not knowing if I am going to make it. I’m at war.

Yes I am sure that things could be worse, but I can’t put someone else’s misery or misfortune and gage it with my own, because it won’t measure up, because it can’t. We are different and we go through and deal with things differently. Bottom line, I felt like the man upstairs was punishing me. I don’t know what I did so wrong, I just know that its not fair, but what in the world is?

I tried to get away from the faith that I have held for so long why? Because I didn’t think that I believed in it anymore, because I don’t think that it believed in me. People have asked me to go to this church or that church, I have no interest. Friends quote scripture, but I find no solace in it and actually try to change the subject. But no matter where I went it just kept following me. Or rather HE keeps following me. And that was upsetting me. I just wanted to be left alone but it wouldn’t let up. From the radio, random conversation, to me just slipping (if you will), calling on the name of the Lord; it…correction He has surrounded me.

But in my attempt to escape the eyes of the Lord, he keeps pressing me. My coworker was feeling down about somethings and I of ALL people ended up being the person to minister to her, when I couldn't even minister to myself. How odd is that. Then at the office Christmas party, my boss asked if I would pray. All I could think is "Are you serious?"

I suppose there is some truth to the idea that God always surrounds us, and up until this week I don't think believed that. Sometimes I don't know what I believe. But I do know that he has to exist and he has a sick sense of humor. So I guess instead of asking why, ask him what more do you have for me today. The Devil is a liar and he has been preying on my weak spirit, and I am guilty because I have allowed it. We are the only one's that give power to such evil.

So, now I am fighting back, I know its not going to be easy, but it sure couldn't get any worse. My dukes are up, and I'm knockin' em out like Ali....so bring it.....

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As my friend puts it I'm a bit of a Debbie Downer...I know I know, no one wants to be around a person like that. I can't help the way that I feel....I am definitely NOT in the holiday spirit.

I also recently found out that 3 of my small cousins died in a fire...I am really trying hold it together....but I feel myself losing what little faith I have left....why are good people dying? why are good people suffering...upon everything that has happened in the last two years, what else would you have happen? Its just not fair maybe a mustard seed isn't enough.

mood: apathetic

Its the most wonderful time of the year
but I don't feel very festive
the smell of winter
fires burning
chestnuts roasitng on an open fire
dim lighting
red and green marks the time
but this holiday season
I am not full of joy
or full of hope
monotony consumes me
There is nothing merry
I am just trying to make it to the next day
I have lost all hope
and my faith is weyning
I push myself further and further away
from the beliefs that kept me grounded
and those that I held dear
because I am questioning an exsistence
of a being that has abandoned us
or is it a trickster making me question what has always been
i'm not sure
but I know that my mustard seed has been stolen
and I have no faith in no man
in the physical or in the supernatural
its the most wonderful time of the year
but I don't feel it
nothing in this past year has gone right
so I question the decisions
sure that I am destined to miss
miss every good thing that happens to everyone else
because of who I am, are these the cards that I have been dealt?
I lay them down, not wanting to pick them up
because if this is what my future holds
I might as well give up
because its dark and there is no light at the end of the tunnel
no promise of tomorrow and not hope of lifted sorrow
but its the most wonderful time of the year.

Just Thinking...

MOOD: Reflective

This morning before I went to work, I was looking at different albums to upload into my sisters mp3 player (yea my Ipod dies months ago and I have yet to replace it...sad..) Anyhow, I was looking at old albums that I had not listened to in a long time. I came across this one particular album by Common (I LOVE Common ok maybe not love, I really enjoy the artistry and lyricism), but there was one particular album that I could or probably should say wasn't my favorite, ELECTRIC CIRCUS. Now I have no idea why i decided to listen to that particular album, but I did. As I listened, the album wasn't as bad as I initially thought, and when I looked beyond the melody, instruments and percussion, I heard the song, i mean I REALLY heard the song. He was spittin' some real ish. I guess thats what happens when you look past the surface, why don't we ever do that?


Random Thoughts:

Maybe I have been to hasty in my previous decision. It like when I listen to a music album, I only listen to the first few seconds and decided if I like the song and thus is my existence. Too hastily rushing to judgment, using the surface to define the depth of a person when, I haven’t listened to the end of the song. I might have missed the bridge or missed the chorus or the climax, missing the thing that makes them tick and defines their inner being. Reflecting on years past, I pick the album back up and find that there was something for me lost in the words and the melody more than halfway through the song but I didn’t wait, I couldn’t wait. And I sit back like man, maybe I was too rash to judgment. I didn’t give it a chance and killed it before it began and now I sit in regret trying to forget my stupidity associated with the past and what was before. A complicated melody, I couldn’t hear him over the music. I was just looking for a beat, but there was no drum, no bass, nothing that moved my soul at that point, so I left it and now I regret it, because I didn’t give it a chance, I didn’t give us a chance. Now all I have is a tune, because that was all I was looking for no words, nothing to move. Just a tune no depth it just repeats itself and tells me that I am doomed to repeat the past, but I try to look past what was blatantly obvious but refused to accept. I was a surface dweller and I couldn’t see you for you, so I moved you to the side and deflected my insecurities on to you making you the problem, not just one problem, but two. Cause it wasn’t just you it was me too. I wonder if you’ll ever pick of the soundtrack of our life, so hastily discarded and listen again, and forgive…..