Shambles...

Certain aspects of my life are in shambles...but I pick up the pieces and keep trucking....

Dangers of Comparative Living..

I am guilty.

Guilty of not taking my own advice. You can not live vicariously through the lives of others. You can not gauge your success against that of others. You can not will something into being that is not meant to be. More importantly is important to realize that you are the most important person to you and no one else.

But I have not been living by this code that has become innately who I am suppose to represent. Rather I have become a tattered shadow of my former self, not easily recognized at all. I represent all that is green with envy, I represent that who compares herself to the likes of others, I represent unhappiness: with self, with life, with being. More importantly I am ashamed of who I have allowed myself to become. I have allowed myself to become a victim of circumstance, a victim of rage, a victim of self pity and a victim who does not mutilate themselves in the physical but in the spiritual, which in my eyes is more painful than all self inflicted hurt previously mentioned.

I don't say it and rarely convey it but the idea of being alone forever is and ideation that I do not welcome with open arms. I am so over the cliche' it will happen when you least expect it, what happens when all expectation is been reduced to that of never?

I am sure I am just having a moment, but there is so much I have yet to experience and I am not sure that I will ever experience it.

Wishing on a star..

So this evening I went outside and I was star gazing. It is really amazing how something so far away can shine so bright. Even more interesting is the fact what we see from a distance is deceptive and is something we may never have imagined.

It was refreshing. Flickering bits of light, awesome wonder, and shooting stars. As I gazed upon the sky it was a welcomed retreat from my earthly reality. Pictures flashed of the past, the present and the future. Each deep breath was met with lonely silence which is where I find myself more often than not these days.

Tonight was a night of firsts, it was the first time that I witnessed an actual meteor shower, and it was the first time that I think that I really took the time to look up, not because I needed or wanted something, but just because. There is power in our "just because".

My brother and sister joined me after a while and we watched and joked together. These are the times that I cherish most.

Laying the ground work while fighting demons...

So I have been MIA for a while now. During the month of June, I just laid low, the month of July, I was working with NYLF, and not during the month of August I am preparing for school.

This is my final year in my graduate program and I hope the next few months provide further insight into what the future holds for me. But I am worried. I am entering a realm of uncertainty in my life. Things are not as I would like them to be, but I have no choice but to let them remain that way until I can in essence get on my feet.

I am currently fighting a losing battle with myself when it comes to weight and depression. I trying to fill my time with things that I enjoy, but there are not enough things to fill all of the time. I don't currently like myself that much. I am disgustingly FAT and ugly, and I fear that one of the things that I value dearly I will never have the opportunity to participate in and that is having a family.

I see people getting engaged left and right. New relationships are springing up, but relationships have never been a thing that have come easy to me. And I fear that I will never be in a serious relationship or get married. I truly think that that boat has sailed for me and it really makes me sad. I know I know I am not suppose to compare myself to others nor am I suppose to look at the lives of other longingly, but I am human and at times I cannot help it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out. When people see you as the big black girl, as much as you try to shake it off, it effects you, your out look on life, and even the way you see yourself.

So while I am trying to move forward with my education and life goals, I am fighting demons that exhaust me and make me want to just give up. I always come back to the fact that things were going so well and then my world fell to pieces, no one will ever understand...no one.

Burned Scortched and Scalthed....

The foreboding implication of reticent stoicism is feared more than incensed outbursts. For that reason, I choose to reflect not with words, but with action; not with anger but with indifference…what I once was is no more, scorched I rise from the ashes never to be burned again.

I am losing faith and that scares me....

It's 11:26 pm and I am in the library, and I am suppose to be working on my last project of the semester, but I cannot concentrate.

My mind is aloof.

There are three individuals that I see in the library every time I am here. There is something about their group cohesiveness that I always find enthralling and it makes me want to know more about their stories. Usually when I see them they are engaged in some form of studying, ALWAYS. They appear very dedicated to their studies. I always wonder what drives them.

On this particular evening, they have convened in small nook of the library, not completely out of view, and I see them. Their heads are bowed and they appear very somber and in an alternate state of being. I continue to watch, and try to hear what they are say, but I am too far away. I watch a little while longer and I realize that they are praying. Its not loud, and there is not organ playing. Just them as they are paying reverence to the most High God.

I kept asking myself what made them seem so different. But now I knew, their relationship with God. The don't hide it, they are not embarrassed by it, quite the contrary they are empowered by it. Holding their bibles, they discuss scripture with one another. They are classmates, friends, and fellow believers.

Watching this brought a certain level of sadness over me. My spirit is not right and I know it. Every day I go through the motions of being a Christian. But I am ashamed. I bow my head sometimes because I think that is what I am suppose to do. People ask me questions about my faith and sometimes I retreat, because I don't know the answer.

I have watched my faith dwindle to the point where I don't know if I believe any more. But I thank Him without think about why. God I so desperately want to get back to a point where I am so immersed in the spirit that nothing can bring me down.

My brother and my best friend have questioned religion, and I don't know what to do. My faith is not strong enough to counter such questions about faith, and I am not sure that I am suppose to counter them, but I find myself sad and upset because I can't defend myself as a Christian. It is as if I have gone into battle with not ammunition, no armor and I am naked, helpless.

I know I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I just don't know how to do it. I hate public displays, so when there is a call to the alter, my spirit wants me to go, but my body remains rigid. I just need a starting place. A place where I can relign myself. Lord I need your help because I don't know where to go from here. I am lost and I have no direction and I am scared. I am scared that the faith that I once had will never return. I am scared that I will never truly believe again.

When being bold goes wrong....

So last week I was feeling bold, so I took it upon myself to speak to a guy that I had seen on occasion at my schools library, and introduce myself. People don't believe that I am shy, but I am. So for me to actually step outside of myself to introduce myself, that was a MAJOR step.

So I saw him, and just to preface the encounter, he always looks at me (this could my acute paranoia) when I am in the library, so on this particular day I was feeling particularly bold so I spoke.

Me: "excuse me can I ask you a question?"
Random guy: Startled answers "Yes"
Me: "Well I see you in the library often so I thought I would introduce myself, I promise I am not crazy or anything"
Random guy: still startled and look at me as if I am a stalker, "Uhhh ok"
Me: "What's your name?"
Guy: "states name" and then stands there still looking befuddled and bewildered, then after a second of awkward silence he asks "oh what's your name?"
Me: I state my name, "nice to meet you"
Random guy: still looking crazy kind of backs away like I am going to stab him

Ok I may have exaggerated the encounter a bit, but I kid you not this guy looked scared, which kind of made me feel like and idiot, but I think he is generally social awkward anyway.

So fast forward to the next day since I live in the library, he is walking through the door and I am walking out and he doesn't even out of courtesy say hello.

This is my thing, if people pass by each other I mean the least you could do is to say hello.

Needless to say since then I have been very put off by his person, and have not spoken to the guy, although I see him often, clearly he felt awkward and probably took it for something it was not...so much for being social and stepping outside my box.

Man this makes me want to crawl back into my shell...I hate this feeling..ugh.

I Would Like Nothing More to Disappear

I would like nothing more to disappear

for my fear to go up in flames

and my inadequacies to exist no more

I would like nothing more to disappear

assuming a new identity

getting a fresh start

an living life the way I wrote it initially

I would like nothing more than to disappear

things that should not be going wrong are

worries that I shouldn't have I have

Just when I think things are getting better

they get better for those around me

and I am stuck, struggling, hoping, wishing, wanting

but never having or holding

Sometimes I would like nothing more than to just disappear.

I Really Have to Blog More Often

Soooooooooooo, it has been a few months since I have been on here. I would like to say that a whole lot has changed, but things have a funny way of remaining the same no matter how hard I fight for a little something different. It kind of makes me chuckle.

So my dear blogger, let us get reaquainted

Hello this is Naija Couture (self proclaimed)...lol

January came and went and I was not ready to go back to school. It represented a really lonely place for me. As much as I say my family gets on my nerves I miss them, because I know no matter what, they look past my "emotional tirades" and they get me. They have an interesting way of easing the soul...lol

February came and the nostalgia of loves that once were (not mine) floated in the air like allergy season, only this year I didn't sneeze, and took the time to stop and smell the roses even though they weren't mine, but it was nice to appreciate love, those in love, and those that wish to be. My friend C came in town and we did as we do and had a good time. Other "friends" attended the festivities, others sort of attended the festivites (this was a source of great disappointment - but then again I often times give some people credit that they do not deserve). And just like that February was spent.

Then we recessed into the wonderful month of March. Since being back in school this has become my favorite month next to December. Why you ask? Spring break OF COURSE..LOL
During this month I went to NY to visit some friends, and it reminded me how much I am ready to "leave" Texas (or so I tell myself..lol) Then came spring break, which was wonderful, i did absolutely nothing but laugh and smile with the fam. Again reminded why I love my family so. Sigh...I am kind of missing them now.

Now March has ended and today was the begining of April, but I was no one's fool. It crunch time on the academic calendar and I look foward to pushing myself to the very brink. There is still a lot of work to be done, and I know that I will be the victor in the end, but my goodness just getting motivated at times is a task. But I am optimistic...the future is bright and I thank God for it.

My Best Life

So I finally taken the initiative to do something that I have been complaining about forever and that is exercise. I am at an all time weight high and I would like to change that. Is is for asthetic reasons? Not completely. But it is something that has to be done, there is a certain level of satisfaction that I get from it.

I didn't start on January first, and this is not a resolution. This is just something I am doing for me and no one else. I began on the 5th of January dreading it, but I was determined.

On the 6th I was in danger of 'falling off the wagon" as people often times say, but then something told me to watch a recorded episode of Oprah, so I did. This was the episode that aired on Jan. 5 and she was starting her Best Life Week. For the first time, I related to Oprah. She was open and candid about her weight can, the way she felt, so on and so forth and I kept finding myself saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean." But there was one comment that really resonated with me. They said that weight loss was not about loosing weight, about getting into those jeans, or that dress, nor was it about necessarily being healthy, its about self love. At first I looked at the screen like what?

As the show went on I got it....I GOT IT!! It's easier to love the body I am in and then work on being healthier than it is to set a target weight loss goal, only to be disappointed when that goal was not reached. So I am working on loving me, loving me more than I have ever loved me. I am being to cherish, my alone time, some may think I am a bit of a recluse.

Needless to say after that episode I left for the gym, (my roommate saw me, which sucked cause I just want to do this alone no accolades, no good job..anyhow) I didn't like being there when I was, but I appreciated it when I awoke this morning, I feel good.

No one is going to love me the way I love me, not friends, pseudo-friends, family, or anyone else. So its just me myself and I as I seek my best life. And I am satisfied with that.

Unsettling Cognition

I am having a very strange case of deja vu. I have had this random dream (or least I feel like I have had this dream (at least twice) where I am being attacked by a million pin holding masked individuals (think of the Jabberwockies [it should not be funny, but it is the best description of what was in my dream]. The strange thing is that they are attacking me when the lights are on and when one or two people come in contact with me. But when the lights are off, I don't feel them. Before attacking you will see long pins coming through the roof trying to impale me. And right before they attack the make they take the minds of the people around me and make them do things that are uncharacteristic. Its the strangest thing and I have no idea what it is suppose to mean.

I know as of late things have been brought to my attention, I suppose it is certain people's way of telling me about myself.

Maybe the pins represent people that I felt have stabbed me in the back, side, and or front. May the masked individuals that hold the pins, represent my insecurities, brought to the light but still hidden. The whole senario could mean that my seemingly negative energy (that has been so candidly brought to my attention) attacks me in the light where I and others can see me for who I am. I don't know what it means, but it is disturbing.

I suppose I am over analyzing, but when you awake at 6 am and you don't have too because you have had a "dream", its worth taking a look at.

Often times they say that dreams stem from things that are continually thought about and are not resolved before sleep. And I can say that I have had some unsettling thoughts about people that I consider to be friends. I have been told that I don't have the right to be, let's say, 'displeased' with comments made, 1. because I have to think of the source (who is a friend) and 2. because I am suppose to think of why she might have said what she said. Either way it goes, as my friend, she should know better, and more over it seems a bit self righteous of her to think that way, because it implies jealousy, and I ladies and gents am not a jealous person. I was insulted that she so insipidly thought that I would in some way start a pity party for myself, which is funny.

I guess again and again people show me what they really think about me, which is inconsequential. I have got to remain focused on my ultimate goal and stop worrying about people that don't matter.

Bottom line: I am not perfect, I am human, I have feelings, and I have the right to express them, do I have to right to dump them on others? absolutely not. But you (and that goes for everyone friend or foe), do not have the right to pity me, because I do not pity myself.

Please do me a favor and get over yourself.

Thanks
Management.