Ok so this has without a doubt been the worst year and a half of my pseudo adult life. I don't get into grad school on the first try, my cousin dies, my family life is in absolute shambles, I have no one on a serious personal level really to share my grief and I feel alone.
I hate my job. Don't get me wrong it has been a major blessing, because Lord knows where I would have been working if I had not gotten this job. But the problem lies in that I know it is not where I am suppose to be. I am trying to get to a place were I don't have to always struggle....but every day EVERY DAY is more of a struggle than the next. And the worst part is no one, not family not friends, not associates, NO ONE understands. So again I have to internalize everything, and I think that is tearing my soul apart and I am fighting a losing battle. most times I am able to pull myself out of my minor slumps and shake it off. But now more than ever I am finding it difficult to find that proverbial silver lining.
I hate the way I look. But like my brother says I am really not trying that hard to change it. He is right. I am not making any effort, just b****ing and complaining about something that I could change but not putting forth the effort. I can tell he is getting tired of my complaining so again I revert back to internalizing things. Which is not good. I am starting to take out my unhappiness on the people I care about. I don't mean to, but its happening, i see it. My sister is catching the raw end of it. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to be happy again, I don't know if I deserve happiness. I don't know how I got to this point. The re-occuring theme is I DON'T KNOW.
Its funny how you have so many things planned out in your life. A B C and D are suppose to happen at this point and time and then when the plan is botched you are left helpless because you don't any other route to your ultimate goal because you didn't plan for the what ifs. And I surely didn't plan for the what ifs, if whens, or if evers. Its sad...so much promise, so much drive....too little action.
I'm lonely. The lack of companionship is getting to me, but when I step outside of the life that I am leading and look at myself, I wonder if I even deserve such companionship. I don't even have it together by myself, why in the world would I want to pull someone else into my mess of a life. So until I get it together, this is were I stand alone.
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf...
I am really trying to be slow to anger...although I slip up. I had a slip up this weekend. I allowed my emotion to cloud my better judgment and I only annoyed myself. I was doing so well too. Oh well it is the past now right?
Recently I have also discovered a jealous streak embedded in my DNA. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I can't stand the fact that people that have hurt my feelings in one way or another are friends with people that are "close" to me. It bothers me. It bothers me that they share things. It bothers me that he hates me and confides in her. I think that is the first time that I have truly admitted it to myself. It bothers me. No actually it hurts my feelings which translates into anger and resentment, which leads me to where I am now...not friends with one and not really talking to the other. Funny, I think its time for me to grow up, but for some reason i refuse to let go. Its pathetic. Really f-ing pathetic.
I probably should just delete a few people from my social circle. Easier said than done. I think the minute that I start to do that I will really feel like I am alone. I am by no means a recluse by nature. I am social, I enjoy the company of people. I love people the have a good time and I like people to have a good time with me. My yin and my yang....I am dayumed if I do and dayumed if I don't so I just rather do, but i see that is not helping me.
Another thing that had been urkling me is the fact that some people claim to "know" me or know how I will react or respond in a certain situation. I know that everyone knows that I have a bit of a temper. But when people claim to know that I will be angry if given a certain situation, that bothers me. I think I am going to force myself to be the strong silent type. Well actually leaning more toward the CRAZY/DERANGED silent type..lol... I think the mystery will leave people wondering what is going on and maybe will lead them to think twice about what they think they know about me. I don't want to be predictable. I want to be the person that you can never guess what may happen next.
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