Militant Me...

I'm Not Yo Ni**a

I’m not your ni**a

Ignorance perpetuated by a society that forced itself upon my people

I’m not your ni**a

Your poison seeps into the veins of the once strong and independent

Crippling them into a lesser being, dependent

We jig and jive to the beat of your drum but our rhythm is silenced

Laughing and performing for you with our white face and pink lips

I’m not your ni**a

You want me in black face when it is convenient for you

No jig-a-boos no wanna-bes

Just me

I’m not your ni**a

Stripping you of the power you don’t want me to have

Ni**a is a kryptonite binding my powers

Mentally, physically, emotionally

The green glow cowers over me refusing to loosen its grip

It grabbed the s on my chest and replaced it with an N

My cape was red but now it’s black tattered and worn

I’m tired

And you for years have been my proverbial thorn

In the attempt to weaken that which you cannot conquer

You chained me

Not just in the physical

But mentally

Refusing to allow me to see my ultimate potential

My cerebrum was removed and dissected

In hopes of deterring forward movement

But even with shameless attempts I emerge victorious

One fist in the air and my head bowing

Reaching for the heavens the only way I know how

Fighting.

Fighting for my place in a world the despises me

Reaching for my dreams

Grasping them for dear life

For fear that if I unclench my fist

The dreams that I have would disappear

I’m not yo ni**a

You see I never was

And never will be

I have always been more powerful than you

But you tried to keep me in the dark so I couldn’t see

But I have seen the light

And I stand tall

I’m not yo ni**a

And on only one master I will call.

In the Hour of My Discontent

LOCATION: Work

MOOD: Discontent

Ok so this has without a doubt been the worst year and a half of my pseudo adult life. I don't get into grad school on the first try, my cousin dies, my family life is in absolute shambles, I have no one on a serious personal level really to share my grief and I feel alone.

I hate my job. Don't get me wrong it has been a major blessing, because Lord knows where I would have been working if I had not gotten this job. But the problem lies in that I know it is not where I am suppose to be. I am trying to get to a place were I don't have to always struggle....but every day EVERY DAY is more of a struggle than the next. And the worst part is no one, not family not friends, not associates, NO ONE understands. So again I have to internalize everything, and I think that is tearing my soul apart and I am fighting a losing battle. most times I am able to pull myself out of my minor slumps and shake it off. But now more than ever I am finding it difficult to find that proverbial silver lining.

I hate the way I look. But like my brother says I am really not trying that hard to change it. He is right. I am not making any effort, just b****ing and complaining about something that I could change but not putting forth the effort. I can tell he is getting tired of my complaining so again I revert back to internalizing things. Which is not good. I am starting to take out my unhappiness on the people I care about. I don't mean to, but its happening, i see it. My sister is catching the raw end of it. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to be happy again, I don't know if I deserve happiness. I don't know how I got to this point. The re-occuring theme is I DON'T KNOW.

Its funny how you have so many things planned out in your life. A B C and D are suppose to happen at this point and time and then when the plan is botched you are left helpless because you don't any other route to your ultimate goal because you didn't plan for the what ifs. And I surely didn't plan for the what ifs, if whens, or if evers. Its sad...so much promise, so much drive....too little action.

I'm lonely. The lack of companionship is getting to me, but when I step outside of the life that I am leading and look at myself, I wonder if I even deserve such companionship. I don't even have it together by myself, why in the world would I want to pull someone else into my mess of a life. So until I get it together, this is were I stand alone.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf...

I am really trying to be slow to anger...although I slip up. I had a slip up this weekend. I allowed my emotion to cloud my better judgment and I only annoyed myself. I was doing so well too. Oh well it is the past now right?

Recently I have also discovered a jealous streak embedded in my DNA. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I can't stand the fact that people that have hurt my feelings in one way or another are friends with people that are "close" to me. It bothers me. It bothers me that they share things. It bothers me that he hates me and confides in her. I think that is the first time that I have truly admitted it to myself. It bothers me. No actually it hurts my feelings which translates into anger and resentment, which leads me to where I am now...not friends with one and not really talking to the other. Funny, I think its time for me to grow up, but for some reason i refuse to let go. Its pathetic. Really f-ing pathetic.

I probably should just delete a few people from my social circle. Easier said than done. I think the minute that I start to do that I will really feel like I am alone. I am by no means a recluse by nature. I am social, I enjoy the company of people. I love people the have a good time and I like people to have a good time with me. My yin and my yang....I am dayumed if I do and dayumed if I don't so I just rather do, but i see that is not helping me.

Another thing that had been urkling me is the fact that some people claim to "know" me or know how I will react or respond in a certain situation. I know that everyone knows that I have a bit of a temper. But when people claim to know that I will be angry if given a certain situation, that bothers me. I think I am going to force myself to be the strong silent type. Well actually leaning more toward the CRAZY/DERANGED silent type..lol... I think the mystery will leave people wondering what is going on and maybe will lead them to think twice about what they think they know about me. I don't want to be predictable. I want to be the person that you can never guess what may happen next.

Alone with my Thoughts

MOOD: lonely

Its been one of those days.....it doesn't seem like anything is really going right.....

I’m struggling right now

I feel like I am alone

Masks surround me

And when the truth is revealed all I see it empty space

Such an empty place

Alone

I sit in silence looking for what to say

But nothing can be said

There is no use in making a noise because no one will hear it

So I sit

Keeping my thoughts to myself

My mind is cluttered with thoughts of this and that

Nothing easing the pain of what’s to come

The path before me is a rocky one

Alone

Alone I travel constantly watching my back

No one to turn to

This doesn’t sound so poetic

But it is the rambling of an unfulfilled soul

Searching for something anything with meaning

Wanting to mean something to someone

Wanting someone to mean something to her

Alone

Alone

Alone

Longing for the touch of the person that loves me

Embracing me with that same emotion

The one that I can’t resist

I want to fall

Fall

Fall

Fall in love with him

And he with me

Forging more than a friendship

But a relationship lasting an eternity

But I am struggling right now

The grass is not always greener

But my grass is brown

Dead to feeling and the thought of hope

I try to water it and revive it but its dead

And I am Alone

Envious of what they have and what I don’t

Constantly measuring myself against an impossible ruler

It seems like every time I might get close it gets that much bigger

And I that much smaller

Almost invisible

Unimportant, but no one sees

Because the mask that they wear I have one too

Only my is emotionally impenetrable

I smile

I laugh

I joke

But on the inside I cry and my face wears a frown

My soul and spirit is heavy

And I find it difficult to pick it up and prevent the scrapping of the rough ground

I'm scarred and scared

I don't know what tomorrow holds

but what ever it is will i still be alone?