Imaginary Love Lost..

Goodness it has been a LONG time...today I have encountered something that is acting as a catalyst for my post, read below:

It's interesting how one event, one moment in time can change you whole perspective on a lot of things. In college there was someone that I really really liked. I am not sure that I have ever like a person they way I did him. It could have been delusion and I could have made something out of nothing, but one thing that I know is that he was someone that I really enjoyed being around, I could honestly say that we were friends and that if he needed something that I would be there. But as they say all things come to an end so did our friendship. Why? Because emotions ALWAYS mess things up. My friendship turned into something more and his well, it stayed what it was friendship. It got to the point where I couldn't be around him, anything that he did I was racking my mind about what it meant or what it could mean. My mind was running a race that my heart couldn't keep up.

Today I saw that that friend was engaged. I'll admit a part of me died inside. I don't know if it was because I still had feelings for him or if it was because the idea of marriage seems in my world to be a fantasy that includes fairies and unicorns in a world where everything you wish comes true and happiness is the only emotion. Seems a bit pathetic. But I am a cynical hopeless romantic who still longs to feel love and be loved by that one guy, who in spite of my imperfections is able to see past that to my core. That one person that is able to peel back the layers of hurt and disappointment not by force but because I want to let them in, in a way that no one has before.

I haven't spoken to this friend in years. Its a friendship that I often times reflect on and wish I could have controlled my emotions, then maybe it would not have gone so wrong. There are few things that I regret in this life, and losing this friend is one. Now I am sad and question things that I knew to be truths. Its been a long time since I have felt like this. I don't like it.