Shambles...

Certain aspects of my life are in shambles...but I pick up the pieces and keep trucking....

Dangers of Comparative Living..

I am guilty.

Guilty of not taking my own advice. You can not live vicariously through the lives of others. You can not gauge your success against that of others. You can not will something into being that is not meant to be. More importantly is important to realize that you are the most important person to you and no one else.

But I have not been living by this code that has become innately who I am suppose to represent. Rather I have become a tattered shadow of my former self, not easily recognized at all. I represent all that is green with envy, I represent that who compares herself to the likes of others, I represent unhappiness: with self, with life, with being. More importantly I am ashamed of who I have allowed myself to become. I have allowed myself to become a victim of circumstance, a victim of rage, a victim of self pity and a victim who does not mutilate themselves in the physical but in the spiritual, which in my eyes is more painful than all self inflicted hurt previously mentioned.

I don't say it and rarely convey it but the idea of being alone forever is and ideation that I do not welcome with open arms. I am so over the cliche' it will happen when you least expect it, what happens when all expectation is been reduced to that of never?

I am sure I am just having a moment, but there is so much I have yet to experience and I am not sure that I will ever experience it.

Wishing on a star..

So this evening I went outside and I was star gazing. It is really amazing how something so far away can shine so bright. Even more interesting is the fact what we see from a distance is deceptive and is something we may never have imagined.

It was refreshing. Flickering bits of light, awesome wonder, and shooting stars. As I gazed upon the sky it was a welcomed retreat from my earthly reality. Pictures flashed of the past, the present and the future. Each deep breath was met with lonely silence which is where I find myself more often than not these days.

Tonight was a night of firsts, it was the first time that I witnessed an actual meteor shower, and it was the first time that I think that I really took the time to look up, not because I needed or wanted something, but just because. There is power in our "just because".

My brother and sister joined me after a while and we watched and joked together. These are the times that I cherish most.

Laying the ground work while fighting demons...

So I have been MIA for a while now. During the month of June, I just laid low, the month of July, I was working with NYLF, and not during the month of August I am preparing for school.

This is my final year in my graduate program and I hope the next few months provide further insight into what the future holds for me. But I am worried. I am entering a realm of uncertainty in my life. Things are not as I would like them to be, but I have no choice but to let them remain that way until I can in essence get on my feet.

I am currently fighting a losing battle with myself when it comes to weight and depression. I trying to fill my time with things that I enjoy, but there are not enough things to fill all of the time. I don't currently like myself that much. I am disgustingly FAT and ugly, and I fear that one of the things that I value dearly I will never have the opportunity to participate in and that is having a family.

I see people getting engaged left and right. New relationships are springing up, but relationships have never been a thing that have come easy to me. And I fear that I will never be in a serious relationship or get married. I truly think that that boat has sailed for me and it really makes me sad. I know I know I am not suppose to compare myself to others nor am I suppose to look at the lives of other longingly, but I am human and at times I cannot help it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out. When people see you as the big black girl, as much as you try to shake it off, it effects you, your out look on life, and even the way you see yourself.

So while I am trying to move forward with my education and life goals, I am fighting demons that exhaust me and make me want to just give up. I always come back to the fact that things were going so well and then my world fell to pieces, no one will ever understand...no one.

Burned Scortched and Scalthed....

The foreboding implication of reticent stoicism is feared more than incensed outbursts. For that reason, I choose to reflect not with words, but with action; not with anger but with indifference…what I once was is no more, scorched I rise from the ashes never to be burned again.

I am losing faith and that scares me....

It's 11:26 pm and I am in the library, and I am suppose to be working on my last project of the semester, but I cannot concentrate.

My mind is aloof.

There are three individuals that I see in the library every time I am here. There is something about their group cohesiveness that I always find enthralling and it makes me want to know more about their stories. Usually when I see them they are engaged in some form of studying, ALWAYS. They appear very dedicated to their studies. I always wonder what drives them.

On this particular evening, they have convened in small nook of the library, not completely out of view, and I see them. Their heads are bowed and they appear very somber and in an alternate state of being. I continue to watch, and try to hear what they are say, but I am too far away. I watch a little while longer and I realize that they are praying. Its not loud, and there is not organ playing. Just them as they are paying reverence to the most High God.

I kept asking myself what made them seem so different. But now I knew, their relationship with God. The don't hide it, they are not embarrassed by it, quite the contrary they are empowered by it. Holding their bibles, they discuss scripture with one another. They are classmates, friends, and fellow believers.

Watching this brought a certain level of sadness over me. My spirit is not right and I know it. Every day I go through the motions of being a Christian. But I am ashamed. I bow my head sometimes because I think that is what I am suppose to do. People ask me questions about my faith and sometimes I retreat, because I don't know the answer.

I have watched my faith dwindle to the point where I don't know if I believe any more. But I thank Him without think about why. God I so desperately want to get back to a point where I am so immersed in the spirit that nothing can bring me down.

My brother and my best friend have questioned religion, and I don't know what to do. My faith is not strong enough to counter such questions about faith, and I am not sure that I am suppose to counter them, but I find myself sad and upset because I can't defend myself as a Christian. It is as if I have gone into battle with not ammunition, no armor and I am naked, helpless.

I know I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I just don't know how to do it. I hate public displays, so when there is a call to the alter, my spirit wants me to go, but my body remains rigid. I just need a starting place. A place where I can relign myself. Lord I need your help because I don't know where to go from here. I am lost and I have no direction and I am scared. I am scared that the faith that I once had will never return. I am scared that I will never truly believe again.

When being bold goes wrong....

So last week I was feeling bold, so I took it upon myself to speak to a guy that I had seen on occasion at my schools library, and introduce myself. People don't believe that I am shy, but I am. So for me to actually step outside of myself to introduce myself, that was a MAJOR step.

So I saw him, and just to preface the encounter, he always looks at me (this could my acute paranoia) when I am in the library, so on this particular day I was feeling particularly bold so I spoke.

Me: "excuse me can I ask you a question?"
Random guy: Startled answers "Yes"
Me: "Well I see you in the library often so I thought I would introduce myself, I promise I am not crazy or anything"
Random guy: still startled and look at me as if I am a stalker, "Uhhh ok"
Me: "What's your name?"
Guy: "states name" and then stands there still looking befuddled and bewildered, then after a second of awkward silence he asks "oh what's your name?"
Me: I state my name, "nice to meet you"
Random guy: still looking crazy kind of backs away like I am going to stab him

Ok I may have exaggerated the encounter a bit, but I kid you not this guy looked scared, which kind of made me feel like and idiot, but I think he is generally social awkward anyway.

So fast forward to the next day since I live in the library, he is walking through the door and I am walking out and he doesn't even out of courtesy say hello.

This is my thing, if people pass by each other I mean the least you could do is to say hello.

Needless to say since then I have been very put off by his person, and have not spoken to the guy, although I see him often, clearly he felt awkward and probably took it for something it was not...so much for being social and stepping outside my box.

Man this makes me want to crawl back into my shell...I hate this feeling..ugh.