So I have been MIA for a while now. During the month of June, I just laid low, the month of July, I was working with NYLF, and not during the month of August I am preparing for school.
This is my final year in my graduate program and I hope the next few months provide further insight into what the future holds for me. But I am worried. I am entering a realm of uncertainty in my life. Things are not as I would like them to be, but I have no choice but to let them remain that way until I can in essence get on my feet.
I am currently fighting a losing battle with myself when it comes to weight and depression. I trying to fill my time with things that I enjoy, but there are not enough things to fill all of the time. I don't currently like myself that much. I am disgustingly FAT and ugly, and I fear that one of the things that I value dearly I will never have the opportunity to participate in and that is having a family.
I see people getting engaged left and right. New relationships are springing up, but relationships have never been a thing that have come easy to me. And I fear that I will never be in a serious relationship or get married. I truly think that that boat has sailed for me and it really makes me sad. I know I know I am not suppose to compare myself to others nor am I suppose to look at the lives of other longingly, but I am human and at times I cannot help it.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out. When people see you as the big black girl, as much as you try to shake it off, it effects you, your out look on life, and even the way you see yourself.
So while I am trying to move forward with my education and life goals, I am fighting demons that exhaust me and make me want to just give up. I always come back to the fact that things were going so well and then my world fell to pieces, no one will ever understand...no one.
