Dangers of Comparative Living..

I am guilty.

Guilty of not taking my own advice. You can not live vicariously through the lives of others. You can not gauge your success against that of others. You can not will something into being that is not meant to be. More importantly is important to realize that you are the most important person to you and no one else.

But I have not been living by this code that has become innately who I am suppose to represent. Rather I have become a tattered shadow of my former self, not easily recognized at all. I represent all that is green with envy, I represent that who compares herself to the likes of others, I represent unhappiness: with self, with life, with being. More importantly I am ashamed of who I have allowed myself to become. I have allowed myself to become a victim of circumstance, a victim of rage, a victim of self pity and a victim who does not mutilate themselves in the physical but in the spiritual, which in my eyes is more painful than all self inflicted hurt previously mentioned.

I don't say it and rarely convey it but the idea of being alone forever is and ideation that I do not welcome with open arms. I am so over the cliche' it will happen when you least expect it, what happens when all expectation is been reduced to that of never?

I am sure I am just having a moment, but there is so much I have yet to experience and I am not sure that I will ever experience it.