My Best Life

So I finally taken the initiative to do something that I have been complaining about forever and that is exercise. I am at an all time weight high and I would like to change that. Is is for asthetic reasons? Not completely. But it is something that has to be done, there is a certain level of satisfaction that I get from it.

I didn't start on January first, and this is not a resolution. This is just something I am doing for me and no one else. I began on the 5th of January dreading it, but I was determined.

On the 6th I was in danger of 'falling off the wagon" as people often times say, but then something told me to watch a recorded episode of Oprah, so I did. This was the episode that aired on Jan. 5 and she was starting her Best Life Week. For the first time, I related to Oprah. She was open and candid about her weight can, the way she felt, so on and so forth and I kept finding myself saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean." But there was one comment that really resonated with me. They said that weight loss was not about loosing weight, about getting into those jeans, or that dress, nor was it about necessarily being healthy, its about self love. At first I looked at the screen like what?

As the show went on I got it....I GOT IT!! It's easier to love the body I am in and then work on being healthier than it is to set a target weight loss goal, only to be disappointed when that goal was not reached. So I am working on loving me, loving me more than I have ever loved me. I am being to cherish, my alone time, some may think I am a bit of a recluse.

Needless to say after that episode I left for the gym, (my roommate saw me, which sucked cause I just want to do this alone no accolades, no good job..anyhow) I didn't like being there when I was, but I appreciated it when I awoke this morning, I feel good.

No one is going to love me the way I love me, not friends, pseudo-friends, family, or anyone else. So its just me myself and I as I seek my best life. And I am satisfied with that.

Unsettling Cognition

I am having a very strange case of deja vu. I have had this random dream (or least I feel like I have had this dream (at least twice) where I am being attacked by a million pin holding masked individuals (think of the Jabberwockies [it should not be funny, but it is the best description of what was in my dream]. The strange thing is that they are attacking me when the lights are on and when one or two people come in contact with me. But when the lights are off, I don't feel them. Before attacking you will see long pins coming through the roof trying to impale me. And right before they attack the make they take the minds of the people around me and make them do things that are uncharacteristic. Its the strangest thing and I have no idea what it is suppose to mean.

I know as of late things have been brought to my attention, I suppose it is certain people's way of telling me about myself.

Maybe the pins represent people that I felt have stabbed me in the back, side, and or front. May the masked individuals that hold the pins, represent my insecurities, brought to the light but still hidden. The whole senario could mean that my seemingly negative energy (that has been so candidly brought to my attention) attacks me in the light where I and others can see me for who I am. I don't know what it means, but it is disturbing.

I suppose I am over analyzing, but when you awake at 6 am and you don't have too because you have had a "dream", its worth taking a look at.

Often times they say that dreams stem from things that are continually thought about and are not resolved before sleep. And I can say that I have had some unsettling thoughts about people that I consider to be friends. I have been told that I don't have the right to be, let's say, 'displeased' with comments made, 1. because I have to think of the source (who is a friend) and 2. because I am suppose to think of why she might have said what she said. Either way it goes, as my friend, she should know better, and more over it seems a bit self righteous of her to think that way, because it implies jealousy, and I ladies and gents am not a jealous person. I was insulted that she so insipidly thought that I would in some way start a pity party for myself, which is funny.

I guess again and again people show me what they really think about me, which is inconsequential. I have got to remain focused on my ultimate goal and stop worrying about people that don't matter.

Bottom line: I am not perfect, I am human, I have feelings, and I have the right to express them, do I have to right to dump them on others? absolutely not. But you (and that goes for everyone friend or foe), do not have the right to pity me, because I do not pity myself.

Please do me a favor and get over yourself.

Thanks
Management.