I am losing faith and that scares me....

It's 11:26 pm and I am in the library, and I am suppose to be working on my last project of the semester, but I cannot concentrate.

My mind is aloof.

There are three individuals that I see in the library every time I am here. There is something about their group cohesiveness that I always find enthralling and it makes me want to know more about their stories. Usually when I see them they are engaged in some form of studying, ALWAYS. They appear very dedicated to their studies. I always wonder what drives them.

On this particular evening, they have convened in small nook of the library, not completely out of view, and I see them. Their heads are bowed and they appear very somber and in an alternate state of being. I continue to watch, and try to hear what they are say, but I am too far away. I watch a little while longer and I realize that they are praying. Its not loud, and there is not organ playing. Just them as they are paying reverence to the most High God.

I kept asking myself what made them seem so different. But now I knew, their relationship with God. The don't hide it, they are not embarrassed by it, quite the contrary they are empowered by it. Holding their bibles, they discuss scripture with one another. They are classmates, friends, and fellow believers.

Watching this brought a certain level of sadness over me. My spirit is not right and I know it. Every day I go through the motions of being a Christian. But I am ashamed. I bow my head sometimes because I think that is what I am suppose to do. People ask me questions about my faith and sometimes I retreat, because I don't know the answer.

I have watched my faith dwindle to the point where I don't know if I believe any more. But I thank Him without think about why. God I so desperately want to get back to a point where I am so immersed in the spirit that nothing can bring me down.

My brother and my best friend have questioned religion, and I don't know what to do. My faith is not strong enough to counter such questions about faith, and I am not sure that I am suppose to counter them, but I find myself sad and upset because I can't defend myself as a Christian. It is as if I have gone into battle with not ammunition, no armor and I am naked, helpless.

I know I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I just don't know how to do it. I hate public displays, so when there is a call to the alter, my spirit wants me to go, but my body remains rigid. I just need a starting place. A place where I can relign myself. Lord I need your help because I don't know where to go from here. I am lost and I have no direction and I am scared. I am scared that the faith that I once had will never return. I am scared that I will never truly believe again.

When being bold goes wrong....

So last week I was feeling bold, so I took it upon myself to speak to a guy that I had seen on occasion at my schools library, and introduce myself. People don't believe that I am shy, but I am. So for me to actually step outside of myself to introduce myself, that was a MAJOR step.

So I saw him, and just to preface the encounter, he always looks at me (this could my acute paranoia) when I am in the library, so on this particular day I was feeling particularly bold so I spoke.

Me: "excuse me can I ask you a question?"
Random guy: Startled answers "Yes"
Me: "Well I see you in the library often so I thought I would introduce myself, I promise I am not crazy or anything"
Random guy: still startled and look at me as if I am a stalker, "Uhhh ok"
Me: "What's your name?"
Guy: "states name" and then stands there still looking befuddled and bewildered, then after a second of awkward silence he asks "oh what's your name?"
Me: I state my name, "nice to meet you"
Random guy: still looking crazy kind of backs away like I am going to stab him

Ok I may have exaggerated the encounter a bit, but I kid you not this guy looked scared, which kind of made me feel like and idiot, but I think he is generally social awkward anyway.

So fast forward to the next day since I live in the library, he is walking through the door and I am walking out and he doesn't even out of courtesy say hello.

This is my thing, if people pass by each other I mean the least you could do is to say hello.

Needless to say since then I have been very put off by his person, and have not spoken to the guy, although I see him often, clearly he felt awkward and probably took it for something it was not...so much for being social and stepping outside my box.

Man this makes me want to crawl back into my shell...I hate this feeling..ugh.