I Would Like Nothing More to Disappear

I would like nothing more to disappear

for my fear to go up in flames

and my inadequacies to exist no more

I would like nothing more to disappear

assuming a new identity

getting a fresh start

an living life the way I wrote it initially

I would like nothing more than to disappear

things that should not be going wrong are

worries that I shouldn't have I have

Just when I think things are getting better

they get better for those around me

and I am stuck, struggling, hoping, wishing, wanting

but never having or holding

Sometimes I would like nothing more than to just disappear.

I Really Have to Blog More Often

Soooooooooooo, it has been a few months since I have been on here. I would like to say that a whole lot has changed, but things have a funny way of remaining the same no matter how hard I fight for a little something different. It kind of makes me chuckle.

So my dear blogger, let us get reaquainted

Hello this is Naija Couture (self proclaimed)...lol

January came and went and I was not ready to go back to school. It represented a really lonely place for me. As much as I say my family gets on my nerves I miss them, because I know no matter what, they look past my "emotional tirades" and they get me. They have an interesting way of easing the soul...lol

February came and the nostalgia of loves that once were (not mine) floated in the air like allergy season, only this year I didn't sneeze, and took the time to stop and smell the roses even though they weren't mine, but it was nice to appreciate love, those in love, and those that wish to be. My friend C came in town and we did as we do and had a good time. Other "friends" attended the festivities, others sort of attended the festivites (this was a source of great disappointment - but then again I often times give some people credit that they do not deserve). And just like that February was spent.

Then we recessed into the wonderful month of March. Since being back in school this has become my favorite month next to December. Why you ask? Spring break OF COURSE..LOL
During this month I went to NY to visit some friends, and it reminded me how much I am ready to "leave" Texas (or so I tell myself..lol) Then came spring break, which was wonderful, i did absolutely nothing but laugh and smile with the fam. Again reminded why I love my family so. Sigh...I am kind of missing them now.

Now March has ended and today was the begining of April, but I was no one's fool. It crunch time on the academic calendar and I look foward to pushing myself to the very brink. There is still a lot of work to be done, and I know that I will be the victor in the end, but my goodness just getting motivated at times is a task. But I am optimistic...the future is bright and I thank God for it.

My Best Life

So I finally taken the initiative to do something that I have been complaining about forever and that is exercise. I am at an all time weight high and I would like to change that. Is is for asthetic reasons? Not completely. But it is something that has to be done, there is a certain level of satisfaction that I get from it.

I didn't start on January first, and this is not a resolution. This is just something I am doing for me and no one else. I began on the 5th of January dreading it, but I was determined.

On the 6th I was in danger of 'falling off the wagon" as people often times say, but then something told me to watch a recorded episode of Oprah, so I did. This was the episode that aired on Jan. 5 and she was starting her Best Life Week. For the first time, I related to Oprah. She was open and candid about her weight can, the way she felt, so on and so forth and I kept finding myself saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean." But there was one comment that really resonated with me. They said that weight loss was not about loosing weight, about getting into those jeans, or that dress, nor was it about necessarily being healthy, its about self love. At first I looked at the screen like what?

As the show went on I got it....I GOT IT!! It's easier to love the body I am in and then work on being healthier than it is to set a target weight loss goal, only to be disappointed when that goal was not reached. So I am working on loving me, loving me more than I have ever loved me. I am being to cherish, my alone time, some may think I am a bit of a recluse.

Needless to say after that episode I left for the gym, (my roommate saw me, which sucked cause I just want to do this alone no accolades, no good job..anyhow) I didn't like being there when I was, but I appreciated it when I awoke this morning, I feel good.

No one is going to love me the way I love me, not friends, pseudo-friends, family, or anyone else. So its just me myself and I as I seek my best life. And I am satisfied with that.

Unsettling Cognition

I am having a very strange case of deja vu. I have had this random dream (or least I feel like I have had this dream (at least twice) where I am being attacked by a million pin holding masked individuals (think of the Jabberwockies [it should not be funny, but it is the best description of what was in my dream]. The strange thing is that they are attacking me when the lights are on and when one or two people come in contact with me. But when the lights are off, I don't feel them. Before attacking you will see long pins coming through the roof trying to impale me. And right before they attack the make they take the minds of the people around me and make them do things that are uncharacteristic. Its the strangest thing and I have no idea what it is suppose to mean.

I know as of late things have been brought to my attention, I suppose it is certain people's way of telling me about myself.

Maybe the pins represent people that I felt have stabbed me in the back, side, and or front. May the masked individuals that hold the pins, represent my insecurities, brought to the light but still hidden. The whole senario could mean that my seemingly negative energy (that has been so candidly brought to my attention) attacks me in the light where I and others can see me for who I am. I don't know what it means, but it is disturbing.

I suppose I am over analyzing, but when you awake at 6 am and you don't have too because you have had a "dream", its worth taking a look at.

Often times they say that dreams stem from things that are continually thought about and are not resolved before sleep. And I can say that I have had some unsettling thoughts about people that I consider to be friends. I have been told that I don't have the right to be, let's say, 'displeased' with comments made, 1. because I have to think of the source (who is a friend) and 2. because I am suppose to think of why she might have said what she said. Either way it goes, as my friend, she should know better, and more over it seems a bit self righteous of her to think that way, because it implies jealousy, and I ladies and gents am not a jealous person. I was insulted that she so insipidly thought that I would in some way start a pity party for myself, which is funny.

I guess again and again people show me what they really think about me, which is inconsequential. I have got to remain focused on my ultimate goal and stop worrying about people that don't matter.

Bottom line: I am not perfect, I am human, I have feelings, and I have the right to express them, do I have to right to dump them on others? absolutely not. But you (and that goes for everyone friend or foe), do not have the right to pity me, because I do not pity myself.

Please do me a favor and get over yourself.

Thanks
Management.

'Tis The Season?...

I know the holidays are suppose to be full of joy, family and all of that other crap that is suppose to make you warm inside. But I can honestly say that this has been the holiday from hell. It just seems like nothing has gone as it 'should'. Where the tree should stand is an empty space, engulfed with dust, overcast by a bitter shadow. The dinner that would have been is not, and the family that was is no more. It makes me really sad.

This is not the holiday season that I had envisioned. But I did make one vow to myself that when I had a family of my own, that the holidays would NEVER be like this. I sometimes wonder why I even came home.

I felt really bad. I could not even tell people Merry Christmas, because I knew it would not be genuine. I guess you could say that I have lost sight of what the holidays are really about. Its just hard to see the true meaning when what you see and experience are filtered into your perception of your existence, leaving you with your version of the Bah Humbug complex.

The holidays are really starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Bitter Dose of Reality

My friend Chrystal called me this evening, sounding slightly reserved. Her tone worried me slightly. She said that she had been thinking about me. Now if you know my friend, you know that she doesn't just THINK she analyzes, lol, and I love her for it. She always has my best interests at heart.

She says she had discussed my current "male" sabbatical with one of her co-workers. She wondered why certain men "chose" certain women. Is is because they are more superficial? So caught up in themselves that they forget that there is more to a person than meets the eye? I can't be sure of why this is, but I can say that I am very cognizant of this porous and shallow way of thinking. But then again, maybe I too am superficial. Something to think about.

Men and women often times complain that there are no good men or women left. Maybe they are all right, may there are no good men or women left, because we are all fed up. Just a thought.

But that being said I retreat not necessarily with a flag of defeat but a flag of peace, I don't want to feel like I have to fight certain widely accepted stereotypes. So from now on I am not going too. Hence my sabbatical.

It's true and has been made abundantly clear that nice men and women do finish last...now that's a bitter dose of reality.

Disgruntled Single Female

I know I know, here I go again with the single, want to date, but can't find a good man nonsense. Just bear with me as I vent.

So the other day my best friend and I had a relatively interesting conversation, that ultimately ended in us agreeing to disagree and me being even more upset with the male species. In this conversation I was informed more or less that men are innate sluts, and that women need to understand that.

I get the whole idea that men and women are designed differently. Things that are important to women are not necessarily important to men. Apparently men have the desire to touch, feel, and screw anything with a warm orifice. Women are more inclined to look for something on a more emotional level. Blah blah blah. Trust me I get it.

But here is what I don't get. When men finally get what it is that they "think" that they want, they're not satisfied. She can't cook, she doesn't clean, she isn't intelligent, and she is less than refined and I am sure that this list could go on.

My question is this, what in the hell did you expect? Fellas this is where you go wrong. You are the most superficial beings on the planet. You are looking for the aesthetic and you are not even sure if you are allergic to the shrubbery. She has a pretty face, a nice figure, but no substance. When are you going to learn that really and truly looks aren't everything?

I guess I am just frustrated because I feel like often times, ok all the time, I get over looked. No I am not thin by any means, but I do look nice when I go out, I have a fantastic personality, I like to consider myself intelligent, I cook, I clean, I love sports, and the list goes on. I am just tired of people complaining that there are no good women. I am tired of men complaining about the crazy women that they attract. I am really just tired of it all.

"Well where do you go to meet people?" someone asked. I had to explain the places I go I think I am in the midst of like minded people, but still get the same result.

So all that being said I have official given up on men. I am not bitter by any means, I just plain give up. If I could erase them (men) from my very existence I would. Does that mean I like women now? Hell No. I still love men, I am just tired of dealing with them, so from now on I won't.

-Signed Disgruntled Single Female