I love waking up...

I love waking up. Its the opportunity to tap into the untapped. Its a fresh start and a new beginning. Who could argue with that?

In Dire Need of "Grand Passion"...

Something has got to change. I have lived here for almost three years and have yet to have one gentleman caller. I feel kind of pathetic. A friend of mine has been here for 6 months and has had more callers than I can count. As much as I enjoy the peace and quiet I despise the peace and quiet that comes with loneliness. And lawd knows I am in dire need of a dose of "grand passion".

So maybe you are asking yourself what is grand passion? Well its hard to explain, but its one of those things that you know when you see it. Its a strong embrace, a passionate kiss, its the way that a man looks at a woman longingly before he encapsulates her in his arms and pulls her near. The way he tilts his head to the side moving his lips toward hers slowly until their lips dance a passionate tango, filled with emotion, wanting, and longing. Now THAT is grand passion. It's when Taye Diggs "hems up" Sanaa Lathan in Brown Sugar on the bookcase in her apartment. Its the moment when Idris Elba kisses ANY of his leading ladies (ugh so obsessed with this guy..lol). Is it so wrong to want that?

I am a ridiculously hopeless romantic. A dreamer. I long for the things that many people long for, companionship, love, and friendship. Its been 5 years since my last kiss, or intimate hug and I am really afraid that such intimacy has been lost in time never to be felt again.

In addition to mentioning that I was a hopeless romantic did I mention that I am a romantic cynic as well?..lol..welcome to the complex duality that is my mind.

Ugh..

Signed,

Missing the smell and touch of the XY

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Today is my 29th Birthday. I sometimes envision myself in a different place but I think that I for the first time am okay just being where I am. I am thankful for the many lessons, some of which I wish I didn't have to learn, but I think I am a better person for it. Now the only thing that I am wondering is what the future holds, I hope it is as good as I envision ;0)

Back to school work!

New Beginnings...

So thus begins a new educational journey. I have a few apprehensions that I am trying to work out, but I have a feeling that I am where I am suppose to be, now if someone could tell me what that means I would be most appreciative ;0).

I had distanced myself from my blogging. Sometimes I think that this might be something that can be used against me later in life, but then if reality is going to be used against me, then so be it. Trust me I have dealt with my share of battles in life. This blog was a way for me to purge myself and get out all of the emotions and thoughts that I often times have trouble verbalizing. It is my attempt at a false sense of openness. At times I think that I am saying too much, other times I censor myself and don't say enough. From now on, I am going to say what I feel, a happy meeting point between 'here' and 'there'.

So I have been trying to adopt a more positive outlook on life free of cynicism and sarcasm. As you can imagine, it has been super difficult. Why? Because my humor is sarcastic, and there was a point when I prided myself in "stating the facts" as there were (some might call this "Keepin' it real". Either way it goes, I kept it real to the point where I even questioned my own realness of my reality. So one day I ended it. Although it has been difficult it has worked out pretty well so far, well in some areas better than others. So I am going to try and keep it up.

Imaginary Love Lost..

Goodness it has been a LONG time...today I have encountered something that is acting as a catalyst for my post, read below:

It's interesting how one event, one moment in time can change you whole perspective on a lot of things. In college there was someone that I really really liked. I am not sure that I have ever like a person they way I did him. It could have been delusion and I could have made something out of nothing, but one thing that I know is that he was someone that I really enjoyed being around, I could honestly say that we were friends and that if he needed something that I would be there. But as they say all things come to an end so did our friendship. Why? Because emotions ALWAYS mess things up. My friendship turned into something more and his well, it stayed what it was friendship. It got to the point where I couldn't be around him, anything that he did I was racking my mind about what it meant or what it could mean. My mind was running a race that my heart couldn't keep up.

Today I saw that that friend was engaged. I'll admit a part of me died inside. I don't know if it was because I still had feelings for him or if it was because the idea of marriage seems in my world to be a fantasy that includes fairies and unicorns in a world where everything you wish comes true and happiness is the only emotion. Seems a bit pathetic. But I am a cynical hopeless romantic who still longs to feel love and be loved by that one guy, who in spite of my imperfections is able to see past that to my core. That one person that is able to peel back the layers of hurt and disappointment not by force but because I want to let them in, in a way that no one has before.

I haven't spoken to this friend in years. Its a friendship that I often times reflect on and wish I could have controlled my emotions, then maybe it would not have gone so wrong. There are few things that I regret in this life, and losing this friend is one. Now I am sad and question things that I knew to be truths. Its been a long time since I have felt like this. I don't like it.

Shambles...

Certain aspects of my life are in shambles...but I pick up the pieces and keep trucking....

Dangers of Comparative Living..

I am guilty.

Guilty of not taking my own advice. You can not live vicariously through the lives of others. You can not gauge your success against that of others. You can not will something into being that is not meant to be. More importantly is important to realize that you are the most important person to you and no one else.

But I have not been living by this code that has become innately who I am suppose to represent. Rather I have become a tattered shadow of my former self, not easily recognized at all. I represent all that is green with envy, I represent that who compares herself to the likes of others, I represent unhappiness: with self, with life, with being. More importantly I am ashamed of who I have allowed myself to become. I have allowed myself to become a victim of circumstance, a victim of rage, a victim of self pity and a victim who does not mutilate themselves in the physical but in the spiritual, which in my eyes is more painful than all self inflicted hurt previously mentioned.

I don't say it and rarely convey it but the idea of being alone forever is and ideation that I do not welcome with open arms. I am so over the cliche' it will happen when you least expect it, what happens when all expectation is been reduced to that of never?

I am sure I am just having a moment, but there is so much I have yet to experience and I am not sure that I will ever experience it.