Militant Me...

I'm Not Yo Ni**a

I’m not your ni**a

Ignorance perpetuated by a society that forced itself upon my people

I’m not your ni**a

Your poison seeps into the veins of the once strong and independent

Crippling them into a lesser being, dependent

We jig and jive to the beat of your drum but our rhythm is silenced

Laughing and performing for you with our white face and pink lips

I’m not your ni**a

You want me in black face when it is convenient for you

No jig-a-boos no wanna-bes

Just me

I’m not your ni**a

Stripping you of the power you don’t want me to have

Ni**a is a kryptonite binding my powers

Mentally, physically, emotionally

The green glow cowers over me refusing to loosen its grip

It grabbed the s on my chest and replaced it with an N

My cape was red but now it’s black tattered and worn

I’m tired

And you for years have been my proverbial thorn

In the attempt to weaken that which you cannot conquer

You chained me

Not just in the physical

But mentally

Refusing to allow me to see my ultimate potential

My cerebrum was removed and dissected

In hopes of deterring forward movement

But even with shameless attempts I emerge victorious

One fist in the air and my head bowing

Reaching for the heavens the only way I know how

Fighting.

Fighting for my place in a world the despises me

Reaching for my dreams

Grasping them for dear life

For fear that if I unclench my fist

The dreams that I have would disappear

I’m not yo ni**a

You see I never was

And never will be

I have always been more powerful than you

But you tried to keep me in the dark so I couldn’t see

But I have seen the light

And I stand tall

I’m not yo ni**a

And on only one master I will call.

In the Hour of My Discontent

LOCATION: Work

MOOD: Discontent

Ok so this has without a doubt been the worst year and a half of my pseudo adult life. I don't get into grad school on the first try, my cousin dies, my family life is in absolute shambles, I have no one on a serious personal level really to share my grief and I feel alone.

I hate my job. Don't get me wrong it has been a major blessing, because Lord knows where I would have been working if I had not gotten this job. But the problem lies in that I know it is not where I am suppose to be. I am trying to get to a place were I don't have to always struggle....but every day EVERY DAY is more of a struggle than the next. And the worst part is no one, not family not friends, not associates, NO ONE understands. So again I have to internalize everything, and I think that is tearing my soul apart and I am fighting a losing battle. most times I am able to pull myself out of my minor slumps and shake it off. But now more than ever I am finding it difficult to find that proverbial silver lining.

I hate the way I look. But like my brother says I am really not trying that hard to change it. He is right. I am not making any effort, just b****ing and complaining about something that I could change but not putting forth the effort. I can tell he is getting tired of my complaining so again I revert back to internalizing things. Which is not good. I am starting to take out my unhappiness on the people I care about. I don't mean to, but its happening, i see it. My sister is catching the raw end of it. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to be happy again, I don't know if I deserve happiness. I don't know how I got to this point. The re-occuring theme is I DON'T KNOW.

Its funny how you have so many things planned out in your life. A B C and D are suppose to happen at this point and time and then when the plan is botched you are left helpless because you don't any other route to your ultimate goal because you didn't plan for the what ifs. And I surely didn't plan for the what ifs, if whens, or if evers. Its sad...so much promise, so much drive....too little action.

I'm lonely. The lack of companionship is getting to me, but when I step outside of the life that I am leading and look at myself, I wonder if I even deserve such companionship. I don't even have it together by myself, why in the world would I want to pull someone else into my mess of a life. So until I get it together, this is were I stand alone.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf...

I am really trying to be slow to anger...although I slip up. I had a slip up this weekend. I allowed my emotion to cloud my better judgment and I only annoyed myself. I was doing so well too. Oh well it is the past now right?

Recently I have also discovered a jealous streak embedded in my DNA. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I can't stand the fact that people that have hurt my feelings in one way or another are friends with people that are "close" to me. It bothers me. It bothers me that they share things. It bothers me that he hates me and confides in her. I think that is the first time that I have truly admitted it to myself. It bothers me. No actually it hurts my feelings which translates into anger and resentment, which leads me to where I am now...not friends with one and not really talking to the other. Funny, I think its time for me to grow up, but for some reason i refuse to let go. Its pathetic. Really f-ing pathetic.

I probably should just delete a few people from my social circle. Easier said than done. I think the minute that I start to do that I will really feel like I am alone. I am by no means a recluse by nature. I am social, I enjoy the company of people. I love people the have a good time and I like people to have a good time with me. My yin and my yang....I am dayumed if I do and dayumed if I don't so I just rather do, but i see that is not helping me.

Another thing that had been urkling me is the fact that some people claim to "know" me or know how I will react or respond in a certain situation. I know that everyone knows that I have a bit of a temper. But when people claim to know that I will be angry if given a certain situation, that bothers me. I think I am going to force myself to be the strong silent type. Well actually leaning more toward the CRAZY/DERANGED silent type..lol... I think the mystery will leave people wondering what is going on and maybe will lead them to think twice about what they think they know about me. I don't want to be predictable. I want to be the person that you can never guess what may happen next.

Alone with my Thoughts

MOOD: lonely

Its been one of those days.....it doesn't seem like anything is really going right.....

I’m struggling right now

I feel like I am alone

Masks surround me

And when the truth is revealed all I see it empty space

Such an empty place

Alone

I sit in silence looking for what to say

But nothing can be said

There is no use in making a noise because no one will hear it

So I sit

Keeping my thoughts to myself

My mind is cluttered with thoughts of this and that

Nothing easing the pain of what’s to come

The path before me is a rocky one

Alone

Alone I travel constantly watching my back

No one to turn to

This doesn’t sound so poetic

But it is the rambling of an unfulfilled soul

Searching for something anything with meaning

Wanting to mean something to someone

Wanting someone to mean something to her

Alone

Alone

Alone

Longing for the touch of the person that loves me

Embracing me with that same emotion

The one that I can’t resist

I want to fall

Fall

Fall

Fall in love with him

And he with me

Forging more than a friendship

But a relationship lasting an eternity

But I am struggling right now

The grass is not always greener

But my grass is brown

Dead to feeling and the thought of hope

I try to water it and revive it but its dead

And I am Alone

Envious of what they have and what I don’t

Constantly measuring myself against an impossible ruler

It seems like every time I might get close it gets that much bigger

And I that much smaller

Almost invisible

Unimportant, but no one sees

Because the mask that they wear I have one too

Only my is emotionally impenetrable

I smile

I laugh

I joke

But on the inside I cry and my face wears a frown

My soul and spirit is heavy

And I find it difficult to pick it up and prevent the scrapping of the rough ground

I'm scarred and scared

I don't know what tomorrow holds

but what ever it is will i still be alone?

Back From the Nations Capital

So it has been exactly 22 (great number) since I have poured my thoughts and emotions on the page/screen...whatever. So what has happened since then?

October 12, 2007

My line sisters came in town, because our 11 is leaving the country *tear*, she and her husband are going to be gone for a long LONG time. so we all decided to meet up at the this sports/karaoke bar. Good times. I arrived at 7 something, I was a little on the early side so I just sat alone, and waited around. I called one of my line sisters to see her eta, need less to say they were waiting on some and had not even begun to get dress...i was a little pissed off. My brother Nico (different mom, different dad, at times different time space continuum..lol) called, I was saved!! He was on his way. A few minutes later he walked in. Its funny, in the last few months we haven't spoken that often and lets not even talk about the last time I saw him, but I as usual things fell into place and it was as if we were never apart, I missed my brother from another mother. He was with his girlfriend, she's sweet, I like her. So I hung out with them for a few so I wouldn't look like too much of a loser sitting in a bar by myself. a few HOURS passed and one of the guest arrive so I bid them goodbye and went to greet the late comers. So in all I was waiting for about 2 to 3 hours for everyone to show, i was not at all please, but then again it was something that I have come to expect, things don' t change. Everyone was accounted for and we just hung. I did things that I didn't feel like doing, but I did it and I shut up. The night ended...i was slightly amused by the turn of events, but I had a good time.

The next day we were suppose to go to breakfast, that fell through and no one called. So I called to see what was suppose to be going on. I took my sister to a birthday party, and then I went to dinner with some of my Lses. I wasn't feeling so well, I think I caught the flu or I was experiencing some flu like symptoms. Whatever it was I felt like crap and all i wanted to do was drug myself and go to sleep and that is precisely what I did.


October 15, 2007

I'm still sick *insert sneeze cough runny nose, and headache here* I feel like crap. I came to work, because clearly I need to money, but my boss took one look at me and asked me why I was there. LOL...I was wondering the same thing. Money makes you do some silly things. So I took leave, but instead of being smart and going home to get some rest, I went shopping, with some imaginary money. So this was my mind set, I need to get some clothes for my Trip to DC. I found a few things, not much, but I guess I would have to make do. From there I went home and laid down, but I had a meeting to go to so my rest period was short lived. I got up and continued to my meeting.

Its raining, no STORMING and i'm cold, dang on sickness. My phone rings, the meeting has been cancelled, go figure just my luck. So what do I do instead of going straight home and resting? Thats right ladies and gents, I go to the store and shop again with imaginary money.

Please keep in mind that although mentally prepared for my trip, I have yet to prepare in the physical...lol..yea still hadn't packed and I had a flight at 6:45am, need less to say I didn't sleep that evening.

October 16th-22nd, 2007

Tuesday Oct. 16th

I was suppose to be at work. But I still didn't feel all that great. So I packed. I wasn't done with my hair, so I permed it and added my hair enhancements. I scrambled to finish packing...I was up ALL NIGHT...shame..lol

Wednesday Oct. 17th

My dad and I headed off to the airport. I don't like riding in the car alone anyway with my dad for long periods of time. He goes into father mode and starts asking me questions that I don't feel like answering, and it doesn't help that he has this amazing knack for making me feel like sh** because he feels I am not doing anything with my life....it was the longest trip to the airport ever. But I got there and the fun was about to begin. I checked in, boarded the plane, and was immediately disheartened. My dayum seat belt did not fit...AWESOME...so I tried ever so delicately and discretely hide the fact that it did not fit my midsection or thigh. The stewardess stopped dead in hear tracks...I just knew I was finished. "Umm Ma'am I need you to buckle your seatbelt.." So how exactly do you tell her that it does not fit without immediately being embarrasseds? Oh yea thats right....you don't. So I tell her that it doesn't fit and she proceeds to yell that she will get me a seat belt extension...sigh...Thanks. Mo'Nique was right...skinny b*****es are evil...lol

I landed and Camonia came to pick me up....she had an itinerary for just about every second of everyday that I was going to be in DC...i was just happy to be away from Texas for a little bit.

Lets see what happened during the course of the weekend, I met new people, shed a few inhibitions, drove in the DC/Maryland Area, got lost, clubed, Was on the yard at Howard U. Fraternized with sorors, Went to a stepshow, Partied at LOVE in VIP fashion, fell off a Segway, Took a tour of the capital, and really and truly came to know that true friendship is hard to find. Camonia is like super friend...I don't know if I could ever re-pay her for all that she has done for me in the past few years....although I one day hope too.

Anyway...

Needless to say the entire weekend I had an absolute BLAST...i would write about everything that went on, but carpel tunnel has set in....maybe i'll come back and update, but all you need to know is that DC folks really know how to party!

A Few Days in the Life of NC

MOOD: Satisfied

MUSIC: And I Wish I Never Met Her (in this Case Him) - Carl Thomas

Man its been awhile. There has been so much that I have wanted to say, but I haven't. I might very well be too much to type...oh well. Where do I begin? Its been about 6 days since my last post. I guess I have been a little preoccupied, but its odd I don't really remember what I had been doing...lol..go fig.

I have been doing a lot of reading and inner reflection. The book "Black Like Me" , was interesting. Stirred up some emotions that I am not proud of, like hate, well i suppose hate is strong word, but i was definitely NOT pleased with the way African American's were treated, it sickens me. But what sickens me more though is the fact that while it seems that we have come so far, it feels sometimes that we have only set ourselves back that much more. Why do I say this? Because I think in lue of all of the treads that we have made and all of the people that have died so that we as black people had the right to education, the right to sit where we wanted and go where we wanted, we the youth take this for granted. Its disturbing, and I am not without fault, because maybe if I did take into consideration what came before me I would have done a little better on that test or I would have thought carefully before I acted. I am ashamed and now while i try to correct what I have done wrong, sometimes i wonder if it is too late. I sit patiently and pray for redemption of those sins of my past, and look toward the hope of my future.

I am still distant. Why? Because I need to be a better me, and I can't do that when I constantly worrying about other people. I haven't cut anyone off, I have just rearranged my priorities. Its working out a little better, i'm not as angry, uptight, and self righteous (not that i really was before). I am happy, don't get me wrong sometimes I do get sad, but for the most part I try to keep it positive, otherwise if I didn't I am sure I wouldn't be here.

September 26, 2007

Today wasn't really all too exciting. I was trying to make myself busy at work (which often times I fail at), and get things together for my applications. Did I mention that I think I really need to get out of Texas for awhile? Well I do, its the same old mundane ish. Its time for a change.

After work I met up with E at Kona Grill. Ya know she loves happy hour, cheap drinks, cheap food...it doesn't get any better than that...lol (yea i STILL don't drink) We hung for awhile and talked as usual. it was cool. We departed and went our separate ways.

I was at home, I read, and I slept.

September 27, 2007

I woke up with the same dread that seems to overcome my psyche each and every weekday morning. I had to go to work, blah....did I mention I hate my job?

My boy said he was throwing some kind of party, and as usual I said i wasn't going, but then later changed my mind. I mean if you don't support other people then they aren't going to support you right? After work, I went home, hung out for a good while and then started to get ready. This was suppose to be the jump off to the Nigerian Independence Weekend. I was a little excited, hanging with my naija peeps always excites me.

Sigh.....when I arrived, there was no one there. Literally. I could count the number of people on one hand, on occasion both, but still there weren't enough people in their for my liking. I was disappointed. While sitting and waiting for something spectacular to happen, i was texting to amuse myself (really texting because i was by myself and slightly uncomfortable). I felt a tug at my phone and it was a random guy. He asked who I was texting. "friends," I replied. I guess that was an open invitation for conversation because he began telling me about himself. He was in his late 20s to early 30s and he and a few of his buddies were in town for some kind of job training. I was nice I was cordial and politely informed him that maybe he should try downtown, not that i was well acquainted with the nightlife, but I mean if you were new to the area how could you lose? He continued and told me about how he and his "co-workers" made a quarter of a million last year at work, they all had their own property and other business ventures, he then pointed to the chain that adorned his neck. I just looked and wondered why he felt the need to divulge such information, it was more than obvious (pardon me while I put on my superficial hat) that he didn't look like a quarter mill. Maybe it made him feel better, either way i was not impressed, things like that just don't impress me. I told him that that was awesome and that I just hoped that he was investing his money wisely, i mean we need more black men and women investing so that we can not just be rich, but wealthy.

Needless to say I didn't stay much longer, no one was there, my boy saw that i was supporting, and I left it at that. The evening was a BUST.

September 28, 2007

This day started off alright. Same ole get up and go to work. My little sister was off of school because of this flippin county fair, so she came to work with me. After work, yet again I had place my foot in my mouth and told her that we could go to the fair, it was going to be a looooooooooooooog day.

Work came and went and we were on our way home to get ready for the fair. She was excited, I was tired, but i had to suck it up for my little sister.

So the fair was huge. There were so many poorly dressed individuals. Not that their clothes had to be designed, but for heaven's sake could they at least fit properly? I guess this means I am getting old...lol People under-dressed, over accessorized and did I mention there were too many dang on kids running around acting up? My sister and I waited in line to get tickets. Let me break it down for you:
1. we had to pay to get IN to the fair
2. We no correction I had to pay for my sister to ride rides
3. I had to pay for my sister to play games
4. I had to pay for my sister to get a dayum funnel cake
Umm yea so can you say BROKE. We finally go her band to ride the rides and she rode alone (because there was no way on this green earth that i was going to ride with her, i'm a tad be afraid when it comes to heights.) She looked like she was having a good time, I was glad. We waited in line for one ride and a group of kids decided that they wanted to cut. Ummm we had been standing in the line for 10 minutes there was no way in hell i was going to let that slide. So into momma mode I transformed (I had to apologize to my sister for my behavior later). "umm excuse me, are you all in line?" I asked with and attitude knowing full well what the response was going to be. The girl looked back as if she didn't hear me so, I repeated my self a little louder and with a little more attitude that before, "EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU IN LINE?" The girl said yea and I politely informed her that that was the wrong answer. I don't think she liked that much, but I could care less, this was for my sister not anyone else, "I know one thing," i sassed "my sister better get on this ride next or their will be a problem." I left it at that and stepped to the side and continued my phone conversation. Well it came time for my lil sis to get on the ride, and walked over to make sure it happened...the kids looked scared, good. She rode the ride.

We rode a few more rides and then we started to head out she was tired and so was I. She had fun and amazingly so did I, i guess sometimes its good to spend time with your younger sister.

The night was just beginning for me. It was the weekend of Nigerian Independence and I was so excited. I had been waiting for this for weeks. Tonight there was a fashion show (i missed this) and a party (i should have missed this). I rushed to get ready and I thought i was late, clearly i wasn't late enough. No one was there....there may have been 20 or 30 people (and maybe not even that many). Disappointment consumed my facial display, not again I thought.

I saw a few friends, we stood around for a while rocked to the beat of the DJ who was playing for an imaginary crowd. I decided to sit down and begin, you guessed it text-ing. A few minutes later i felt a tug at my hair, well the hair that I bought..lol it was him, the serial polygamist (although not married, lets just say he seemed really friendly with a lot of people) but for some reason was I really drawn to him, this fact disgusted me. We did the ritual hug as a greeting and then he went on about his business and I continued sitting and text-ing. The DJ was still jammin' and i rocked to the beat, I even got up a few times ( I mean I do like to dance.).

I saw my guy acquaintance from the night before, and asked him what was up with the crowd. He just sat down and looked, "I don't know man, I don't know" he responded. I kind of felt bad for him, but not too bad because I paid for this mess. We spoke a little while longer an then he continued to tend to his duties. Another one of the guys that were putting this event on spoke, and again (adding salt to everyone's wounds) what was going on with the turn out. He shrugged his shoulders and danced...I laughed.

I moved a little closer to the dance floor, closer to the three (exaggeration) people that were present. I saw another friend of mine that I would probably date, if he were taller, lol...he's cute, he's funny, oh yea and young, but all around good peeps. I snapped my finger, i did a step and I did it all by myself (did you catch that?..lol). Then again I sat, this ritual was getting tiresome, so I focused my attention on other things or rather other people, yea you guessed it, HIM again. This is my problem, I obsess and it never gets anything accomplished. I just watched how he interacted. He was always looking at that dayum phone. I wondered who he was communicating with, probably his girlfriend. I smiled to myself, the though amused me. He danced, and ran around as if he were the man. Then I saw him approaching, my heart started to flutter (yea I am a loser and did I mention that I think that he has a girlfriend?) Anyhow, he was close, I was uncomfortable. But I was saved. Saved by some chick that weighed a buck ten. I tried not to stare, it was difficult. I was kind of green asking myself what made her so special? Outside of the fact that she was thin, I guess she was cute...lol (i'm a hater) He danced with her a little longer, I kind of felt invisible, I was really where my L proud that night. I decided to avert my eyes and find something else to fixate on. and I did, the empty dance floor. It was slightly amusing and disheartening all at the same time.

I felt a shadow come over my person. It was HIM...he was right in front of me. Man he smelled nice. I think this was the point where I wanted to die, umm yep I think this was that moment. I felt myself blushing, so I tried to play it off. He started dancing on my person, I gave him a look that said "Boy please!" but secretly I didn't want him to go, but I had to fight those feelings after all he did (or so I was telling myself) had a girlfriend. Did I mention that this kind of thing embarrasses me? He stayed there for a minute and I secretly enjoyed it, he then stood up to tell me something, but then was distracted, his arm was around me..I think I was still blushing. But just as quickly as he swooped in he was gone and that was the last that I saw of him that evening.

The party ended early. Good, it was whack anyway. I went home. And I slept and decided I was so over my crush on him....lol

Food For Thought..

MOOD:-----

I said I was going to post on here more frequently.....why to go me...ha ha ha

Sunday Sept 23, 2007

It was a good day. I woke up, the allergies that so often attack me took hold of my sinuses and went to work...that was so pleasant...
We went to church. The church we went to was quaint. Few members so instruments, but still soulful and spirit-filled, what more can you ask for right? The Pastor preached on the passage 1 Corinthians 9:16-24. It was kind of embarrassing, i wanted to take notes but I didn't have any paper. I wrote on an old receipt. The Pastor said that when we do things we do things to win. Why do things to lose? It doesn't make any sense. "Run to Win the Prize". It was so simple yet so profound. We can't just go through the motions. When we want something, because we are children of God we must seek it and not take no for an answer.

I guess that is what I had been doing. I was ok with going through the motions and not grabbing a hold of my destiny. I asked for too little out of life. As a child of the most high I had the divine right to ask for all that my heart desired and more. And why shouldn't I be afforded that right. after all do you know who my father is?

Times have been hard, and she has remained faithful, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I believe that this destitute fate that had befallen us would only be temporary. Because I had been selfish, thinking of me and not of them. I of all people had been selfish. Not thinking of what she might be going through or what she would have to face. I cried. I was sad. I was reverted to the mentality of a child, because to me "this was not fair". But this is just a trial of faith. Will we win? YES we will stand victorious because that is his will and we are running this race to win. Defeat will not over shadow the undoubted glory of victory, because we deserve it. In JESUS's mighty name.

The God that we serve will NEVER fail us.

I took my little sister to youth group for the first time. I feel bad because, its almost like she is an only child. I want to be there all the time but, sometimes she just works my very last nerve. I have to remember that she is in fact a kid. LOL I have to KEEP telling myself that. So I dropped her off...hopefully it would go well.

I text JP to see if he wanted to meet up and just hang. I know he had been going through somethings, so I thought I could be there for him as a friend. He didn't text back. So much for that.

So from there I took myself to the bookstore. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just looking around. I made my way back to the African-American Literature sections. I kind of chuckled to myself. For so many years we have fought and struggled with the idea of equality and the right to be treated as such equals, I can't help be interested in what people thought about this "African-American" section of the book store. I could definitely see this going in two very different directions but all with the same end result, anger and or agitation...lol The section was a self-proclaimed catch 22, either we are sectioned off so that it is easier to find the literature that we were looking for or we searched with the possibility of never finding what we were looking for. It was very interesting to me. Anyhow again reiterating that i was not looking for anything in particular, I browsed the section. I could over hear a lady asking for a book.

"I already read her first book," she told the guy working in the bookstore, "But I heard that she was coming out with a new one."

I continued to listen and browse. I was always pleased when people took an active role in reading. It was comforting. Then out of know where, when clearly the whole time I should have been minding my own business, I realized what book it was that she was inquiring about, the one written my the notorious Super-Head (i don't know her real name...oops). All I could do was shake my head. Who am I to judge right? No one....but come on now when a book that does nothing but expose the indiscretions of athletes, movies stars etc., is on the best sellers list, and books that would , uh I dunno, educate someone are collecting dust there is a problem. But that is me being judgemental, after all I read magazines filled with garbage, is it not the same? Well I went back to minding my own business and found two books that I thought would be stimulating and continued on my merry way.

A Day With My Sister....

MOOD: Content

So we made it back from our adventure. Dinner movies shopping lawd help us all it was a WHOLE day with my little sister.

I actually made it through the whole day without killing my little sister. For those that know me know that this is a most difficult task. She just gets on my nerves, i guess that is what happens when there is a 15 year age difference. We ate (clearly not apart of my resolution to work on my "physique"..oh well). Then we went shopping until it was time for the movie to start. Why I did that, I have no idea, because once we stepped foot into that store she wanted everything in sight. She was virtually cooing at everything that she THOUGHT was cute, which of course lead me to roll my eyes followed by random inquisitions asking, D umm do you have a job. Because clearly my little sister assumed that I was footing the bill....how presumptuous of her...lol But she did weasel a top out of me *shakes* head. And so it was the beginning of the end. We went to see a movie "Nanny Diaries" , needless to say I was not overly impressed nor was my sister from what i could gather. But we got to spend time with one another which I think she enjoyed. So if she is happy so am I. I mean it really wasn't that bad. My sister is an interestingly remarkable little person, that is when she is not on my last nerve. And thus ends today.

It was a good day
I am happy
But still distant